Understanding narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) reveals a complex psychological condition characterized by a lack of empathy, a need for control, and difficulty maintaining happiness in relationships. The disorder often involves jealousy, fear of failure, and conflicted social behaviors, impacting both the individual and those around them. Dr. Ramani once said that divorcing a narcissist is like going to war. When I first read that, I thought it was an exaggeration. That was during a time when I hadn’t even heard the term “narcissist.” As I read more about it, my first thoughts were, “Oh man, this seems like a serious psychological disorder! This can’t be happening to the majority of people. I wonder who these poor victims are.” Destiny was laughing at my ignorance. I might have been naïve back then, but I was not an exception. Narcissism is indeed a psychological disorder and exists on a wide spectrum. People with this disorder tend to lack empathy, want to be the center of attention, and need to control those around them. They may struggle to be happy in relationships, are often jealous of others’ success, and believe others envy them. They cannot recognize the needs and feelings of others. Such people may avoid conflict, withdraw from situations where they might fail, and develop secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation, and fear of being exposed as a failure. One might say that fear of failure exists in many people, not just narcissists—which is true to a certain extent. However, this is not a term that should be used lightly. It is a clinical disorder and must be diagnosed by a professional. Most people with narcissism are never aware they suffer from it and don’t seek help. People around them continue to fail to find coherence in their behavior.
They tend to have charming
personalities and often display almost split personalities. In their social
life, they are the best son, brother, dad, friend, employee, husband, and so
forth. But they thrive on controlling someone in their trusted circle—someone
who is traumatized and a people pleaser. They select their prey very carefully:
someone seeking love and affection that was denied to their inner child. In
some cases, they start with love bombing. Love bombing is a relatively new term
to me; it refers to grand gestures, especially at the beginning of a
relationship. That is the first step in getting someone committed to them. Once
they realize they have found someone they can control, they begin practicing
gaslighting. I am using all these terms that were new to me and shared by
psychologists. The way I understand gaslighting is that it’s a technique used
by narcissists to make their prey question their own beliefs. They will convince
their victim that close friends or family are envious or absent when needed,
slowly distancing them from loved ones, hobbies, and anything or anyone else
who can bring joy. This way, the victim becomes isolated and increasingly
attached to the narcissist, to the extent that the narcissist remains the only
source of affection in their life. Victims don’t even notice these subtle changes.
Typically, people in committed relationships with narcissists realize that they
were manipulated, abused only after a long period. They keep questioning their
trauma and keep seeking acknowledgement/closure from their abusers, which doesn’t
come. Waking up and being able to see that such an apology is never going to
come, and being okay, takes a lot of internal struggle. One has to stop seeking
validation of their pain. In theory, it is a straightforward approach, but
people who have faced it can only relate to the difficulty. People suffering
with NPD cannot accept boundaries; they absolutely cannot accept that someone
can say NO to them. If their victim realizes their condition and starts seeking
boundaries, it throws them off their game.
Having stated all the references
and offered a fair warning not to label someone a “narcissist” lightly, I now
understand why Dr. Ramani mentioned that “divorcing a narcissist is like going
to war.” I realize the gravity of the situation and can empathize with the
trauma experienced by victims, and to a certain extent, with those suffering
from NPD. They are simply incapable of understanding anyone’s pain; they don’t
know how to be happy for others without feeling envious, they don’t know how to
love, or how to be happy in relationships. There are multiple ways of dealing
with NPD—seeking professional help is the most difficult part. Many
psychologists and psychiatrists joke that they are treating the victims of NPD
and rarely the people with NPD, because those with NPD live in denial and do
not believe they need help. If you find yourself in the position of the victim,
seek help. Gain clarity from professionals to ensure you are labeling the
situation correctly. Seek validation of your pain from professionals, which can
help you overcome guilt and shame, and stop blaming yourself for being in that
situation without knowing it was not your fault. It is indeed an uphill battle.
You cannot help people with NPD on your own. No matter how much you care,
eventually you will have to stop seeking validation of your pain from them. One
has to learn how to protect oneself; you cannot pour from an empty cup! Get
educated on boundaries, stand up for yourself, and gain the courage to take
that first step toward freedom. Pay attention to your physical, emotional, and
even financial health. Listening to music that gives you hope, and be selective
about what social media is feeding you, so you do not go to the extreme edge of
the other side. Last but not least, don’t lose hope, and don’t lose yourself.
Continue to be a hopeful, compassionate individual who spreads positivity
despite going through years of trauma. Remember, there is more to life than
suffering!
Narcissistic
personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
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