First Love

First Love- just the mention of it brings smile on everyone’s face. No matter how old you are or what your relation status is- everyone has experienced that sweet feeling. That first fluttering, losing yourself head over heels for someone and being in the dreamland whenever you got a chance. Love is such a strong emotion that cannot be expressed in mere words but it is an experience that transforms us completely. Few of us end up having lifetime relationship with that first love; whereas most of us keep holding on to those memories forever. No matter how long you have been married/single or have lost touch with your first love; there is always a corner in your heart reserved for your first love.

I still remember when I had first experienced that sweet unknown feeling which made me wonder what that feeling was. What to do with those thoughts that kept me occupied 24X7. Only one thing was clear at that time- keep it secret! Why? I don’t know or never knew at that time. Everyone around me was falling in love and even though all of us were trying to keep it as a top secret- our friends knew. That endless chatter about our first crush kept us giggling all the time. And being part of the top most secret mission meant everything.

Some of us were bold enough to surrender to that wave of infatuation/first love and admitted to each other that yes, it exists- I love you. No future plans, no money, no education, nothing- just admitting that I am for you and you are for me. And everyone dreamt to have such courage and mainly to get the response in return with the same intensity which was surreal for one. Of course Bollywood helped our raging hormones and demonstrated how this makes perfect sense and how there will be happily ever after story for all the loving couples.

Yet there were heartfelt tragedies for some of us- when the love was not entertained by the second party. Then there was another drama to sympathize with such friend and show hope by painting fantasy of finding someone even better. I remember one movie plot that the heroine kept denying the proposal made by the hero and he kept asking her again and again; then finally she agreed. So we believed in it that if there is NO first time then of course there is hope that eventually that NO will turn into YES!

But sometimes after repetitive attempts when one had to settle on eternal rejection; life got bitter to the extent that, “No, I’m not falling in love ever again!” Which lasted only till the next suitor came in the sight!

Then we parted from each other- conventionally became grownups- met our life partners and started the version of happily ever after. Yet after being in years of matured relationship; with the boom of Orkut then Facebook there was a massive search of the long lost first love. And then there was justification in the sane minds- “I’m just doing that in friendly manner- I don’t/can’t possibly have that feeling now- it was so long ago- it is practically just silliness of that age!” Well, who are we fooling with that? And the history continues to repeat itself- that drama of having the internal battle –well, he/she did love me at that time and what would have happened if we had the courage to admit our feelings for each other at that time? Yes, Bollywood has captured that too! And the saga continues- love the sweet first love… It was there in the first place and it will be always cherished ever- forever!!

Mother's Day Surprise!!

Mother’s Day surprise started little early for me. Lately I’ve been contemplating starting some exercise regimen. So on that note my thoughtful husband n lovely kids surprised me with a groupon of unlimited yoga classes for a whole month. They even made sure to choose the yoga studio which is really convenient commute from my home as well as work. With the thought that I can actually utilize that package to the fullest- considering my love (ok, I admit- the way I pretend to love) of yoga!

So I go to bed on Friday night on time; made sure the timing of my yet another favorite (!) HOT yoga class on Saturday morning. This morning I woke up; made a healthy smoothie with refreshing cucumber, detoxifying ginger, berries with full of antioxidants- the kind that’s been described in FB & all healthy living articles! I am feeling it Universe- way to health!!  My son even made a chart for me to mark days that I’ve attended yoga classes!

With all such love and encouragement- I start early- after frantically finding the yoga mat (because I love yoga- I do have a yoga mat- which seems to play hide n seek because of lack of attention!), a bottle of water and a hand towel to wipe off all the sweat that’s awaiting in the HOT yoga session.  I am feeling so good to arrive 5 minutes early to the class to finish any paperwork that I might have to fill in. I signed up for the class roaster, settled my things and went to the front counter for giving my groupon details.

She asked me if I have attended their studio before. I scratched my memory and said yeah I’ve made that attempt before. So that lady enters my details in their database and tells me, “Sorry, you are ineligible for this package because you have been here before. And this package is only for the new students!”

Hmm, after all it’s just not meant to be!!

I come home and half-heartedly told my family what had happened. My hubby goes, “Then why didn’t you attend that class as a drop-in student?” umm, I could have done that, right? It just didn’t occur to me- because it was just not meant to be! Well, it’s the thought that counts!

Then I frantically search where I can go for yoga class today; and aha!! I found something that is carved out just for me- the one that’s meant for me!!  “Mothers Day Special- Yoga Nidra, Meditation, Mindfulness and CHOCOLATE!”

Nirvana!! Hari Om….

 

Relaxed (!) Dinner

We decided to have a relaxing dinner in the middle of the week- with our toddler and 6 month old baby!  Something to get out of the routine- so that we can somehow keep going through the week. We even managed to arrive at the restaurant without taking any break within our 20 minutes’ drive! Considering the past experiences of stopping at the parking lots before entering the store just to feed our infant; this was an achievement!

              Everyone got settled and my toddler said, “I need to use potty.” I was glad that this call was before the food arrived. I happily took her to the restroom. There they were running nice music and some Italian to English translations. So she really liked that restroom J Later she wanted to dance there; so we danced for few minutes. And…. that’s about it; she decided she doesn’t want to go potty anymore.

 So we were back at the table just after trying out their fancy soap and auto-napkin dispenser.

Humm, now I can order food & just enjoy rest of the evening J

I guess that thought came too fast. By now our six months old started getting uncomfortable in his stroller; so I took him out and stepped outside for a quick walk. By then my hubby managed to place the food order; of course without asking me!

When we got back, piping hot pasta with delectable sauce was waiting for me. Thankfully my toddler was also half way through her dinner. That’s plus sign; kudos to dad! I was about to dig my fork into that yummy looking pasta and my toddler goes, “Mama, potty…”. Since she is recently potty trained I can’t take chances. Any call could be serious call. So I quickly just licked the fork to taste the feast & took her inside.

After enjoying the nice music, dancing/hopping for few minutes, finally this trip seemed to be successful. Again I settled to enjoy my food and I heard a subtle sound and smell that only a mom can relate with. This time it was my son’s turn to visit the restroom!

With the mercy of my kids I managed to grasp few Italian words by visiting that restroom for at least 5 times. In between like a pro mommy I gobbled my cold food down! Eating food right after …well.. that was the end of our relaxing dinner!

What I think of you...

You asked, what do you think of me?

After all these years you don’t fail to amuse me!

 

I’m on my own for the world;

When you left me behind

Yet, no one can claim your place in my mind!

 

You just know when I whisper your name,

All boundaries disappear and you reclaim 

 

Even when I haven’t uttered a word; you somehow listen

Only you can console when my eyes glisten

 

Then you say hi, how are you?

And, I start pouring everything on you

What I say and what I mean is only clear to you

Still you ask what I am for you!

Forgive and Forget(!)

It's been a while I'm having an internal battle on this age old saying- "Forgive and Forget".

Yes, I do understand the benefits of forgiving. This article http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 explains the cause and effect theory of forgiving very well.

However, when I’m witnessing few incidences first hand, even forgiving seems impossible. Recently a family I know lost their 21 year old son. He went on the religious pilgrimage due to his strong faith; and decided to take a bath in the nearby holy river. At that time he was accompanied by his sister who decided to stay at the banks. There was only one another person in the river at that wee hour. No one knows what exactly happened; but he just fell down in water that was waist deep. He tried asking for help & the man who was at the arm’s distance decided to walk away and didn’t help him. His sister kept screaming for help but couldn’t get any. After 36 hours of search he was found at the same place where he drowned. How can anyone forgive that person who didn’t help? There are so many unanswered questions about this whole incidence; one might even dare to question faith and beliefs. We believe that we are his children and the almighty is always looking after us. But then such incidences do happen.

The family who lost their son however at very different spiritual level than one could ever imagine. They have made peace with it. Their response was that if it was bound to happen; no one could have altered it. So we cannot actually blame anyone. Besides all religious scriptures and science agree on the eternal truth that “nothing is permanent”.

The way this family made peace with this mishap is almost surreal. May be forgiving is ultimately necessary for healing. But then I wonder would they ever be able to forget the vivid images of their son’s body which was half eaten by fish? I started tapping people– sometimes others have hurt them and they forgave; sometime they hurt others and sought forgiveness. But was anyone able to forget?

When we cherish the relationship and value it more than anything; people tend to find excuses to forgive and even to forget at some extent. But when the relation itself is superficial, and yet the expectations are high; forgiving becomes challenging. Yet just to keep on moving; we tend to forgive yet never forget. Like when you share a news that you are expecting and someone seemingly close asks, “Are you going to keep it?”; you are taken aback. But then you move on with your decision and eventually with time you forgive- but never forget! Or when you pushed your kid for ski lessons and the kid returned with multiple fractures; you would eventually forgive yourself knowing that the intentions were to make your kid stronger. Seeing your kid going through that pain due to your wish of availing the opportunities you never got; would fade away with the progressive recovery. However, every time your kid denies taking chances; would you rather rethink before pushing them forward?

Yes, I agree forgiving is essential, and it does happen over time. One would even say it is rather necessary for sanity, making peace with life and moving on. However, forgetting?

 

 

Where there is love...

Can love be measured? When we fall in love for the first time usually we tend to ask, how much do you love me? Even a child stretches her hands behind her back and says, “I love you this much! All the way to the moon and back!”

Only if that was true; then what happens when we part from each other. Either by choice or by fate or by death. People move on, everyone says time is the solution for every sorrow; you will heal over time; just give some time. If one is clinging to the memories and other person is embracing the life and moving on; how would you measure their love? Who loved the lost one more?

If we ever get some solitude then why do all those memories keep whirling back? Imagine some evening when no one is home; its cloudy outside and you are just sitting at your windowpane- looking at the stormy clouds gathering up in the sky. In no time your mind starts reflecting that storm inside- all those memories start surfacing up. May be it was that silly fight you had with your classmate or the prank against the teacher in which you got caught or a secret that you kept from parents about bunking school and going for a movie. It just keeps perturbing that maybe we should have shared it, expressed our unsaid feelings. Then after many years we gather the courage to pick up the phone/write that email/send message- to make amends with our parents, lost friends or even first unexpressed love.

What would we do if we lose someone close to our heart forever, what if there is no second chance? How debilitated a person would be that time? World seems to pause for that moment, everything seems trifling. It feels like taking that next breath is a sin. How does it feel to attend a baby shower after having early miscarriage? And people expecting you to move on; telling you to find happiness somewhere else!

After a while we tend to believe- time is the only solution. We even try to fool ourselves with the age old saying that time can heal everything! It seems possible that one day we could wake up with no memories from past and could go on enjoying the breakfast on the same table –ignoring that empty chair. Again house could be filled with aroma of Christmas cookies. Life has to move on; right? Or does that mean now that seemingly unmeasurable love as well died with them?

Every spring when we witness new life quivering out of earth we tend to wonder how she would have loved working in her garden waiting for the blooms. Or where she would have planned to go for summer vacation? What could I have given him on this father’s day? What would have made him smile? Would she have approved my boyfriend? If she were alive she would have gone for prom this year.

Do such thoughts just stop coming to us after a while- when we lose our mom/dad/son/daughter/friend/neighbor? No, we carry them in our mind all the time. While enjoying their favorite dessert, or when a whiff of their favorite perfume passes by or …. simply until we are alive. Yes, we do drag our baggage everywhere.  There is no escape from it. No social gathering seems complete without our lost loved ones. When we see complete families that incompleteness becomes even more prevalent. We just swallow our tongue, put on a smile and show others- we are fine. Pretend that time has worked its magic- everyone lost is forgotten!

But secretly we are just saying, “I will keep loving you forever, from all the way to the moon and back….”

 

Morning Run!

It was Saturday morning; I woke up- checked the phone- it showed just 7.00 a.m.

I tried to listen for any stirs, footsteps... But all I could hear were peaceful snores.

I got excited; yes that day has finally arrived!! When I can wake up before anyone is up; and go for the run.

I quietly got up from the bed; decided that I don’t need to take shower right away. Because anyways I will be all sweaty from my work out that I will need the shower again.

So ever so quietly I brushed my teeth and tried to civilize my morning hair- then decided umm actually I can hide this mess under a cap!

But where is the cap?

Then I spent good 10 minutes doing treasure hunt for ever so rarely used cap; which was buried under the winter clothes!

 I checked time it was barely 7.20 a.m. then did some mental calculations- even if I go for run for 4 miles at very slow pace; I might take 1 hr; so I should be back in time to fix breakfast for the family.

Practically I would be done with my exercise before anyone’s Saturday morning has even started!! Wow, kudos to me!!

Now thinking of breakfast, they say don’t exercise with empty stomach, right? So I should not step out with a growling tummy. Now what could be the best thing to eat before run?  Every health article that I came across these days says- eat a banana which provides you sugar and carbs needed for that rigorous regime (which is on my resolution list since… well forever).

Only thing is my hubby forgot to buy bananas when he was out for grocery shopping! Ah, when will he ever recover from that selective listening syndrome!

Then I thought of oatmeal, which is my least favorite. Then how about smoothie? But then I need a banana :(

And then I heard the rustling of bed sheets and sleepy calling, “Mama…” from my son. Ah, I have to move on before he finds out that I’m about to leave the home!

With that determination I step out- with no breakfast after all.

I start my “RunKeeper” to log my exercise details and of course to publish on Facebook (otherwise what’s the point of doing exercise, right?)

By this time it is close 7.45 a.m. I open the garage door and whoosh of cold air strikes me.

Oh o… I should have checked the weather first! But the Run Keeper is on so I should not take a pause wasting time and hampering the logistics of my morning run- after all whole community on FB is waiting for my update! I can even imagine my friend’s comments- “Way to go!”, “How do you manage to get up so early on Saturday morning?”, “You are my inspiration” & so on…

So I started doing the warm up- recalling the tips from the pros- always have good warm up & wind down time. I’m always up to date on my theory!

Ok, I start walking in that cold air. Nobody is on the road inside our community yet. I am glad I’m just out finally!

But wait, recently I read on FB that working out in cold weather could slow down your metabolism! I’m not taking that risk, no way!! I should have run on my treadmill at home. And plus I shouldn’t catch any cold; otherwise my kids will get it.

Another thought rushes in- hold on, did I take the potty break? Anytime we are heading out I’m forcing my kids to take potty break; just in case. But today I am all by myself so that’s not necessary, hush! But then what’s that sensation? Well, I’m a grown up; I can handle it. Keep going…

I barely cross 4 houses and feel like going back to the warmth of my comfy home- of course just to get on the treadmill. You know what? - That would be the smart idea. Any ways if I publish my run route on FB with Run Keeper data then everyone will know that my supposedly morning run started close to 8 a.m.!

With that thought I make a U-turn. I opened the door with very slow deliberate motion - not making any sounds; and when I opened the door- my son was waiting there to welcome me with a big wailing cry- how can you do that to me? I quickly pick him up & start apologizing for sneaking out. And the saga continues of morning routine at every home.

And that’s how my resolution got pushed out to …. Well, I tried; didn’t I??