Be Selfish!

While growing up the common theme seen/heard in all the movies/ family dramas was to sacrifice, to adjust! When I witnessed my elder cousins/aunts getting married, the main advice they received was the secret to a long-lasting married life is to adjust. If you want to make any relationship last then the secret sauce is to remain silent. It was an unspoken rule that such silence was expected from women. Women were expected to stay quiet in case their in-laws were being irrational if their husbands were angry, or if there was any outburst of emotions by anyone in the family! In India, even today when a girl is married off she bids farewell to her family, her home forever. Quite often she gets reminded that her husband’s family home is her in-laws' place, so she has to behave in certain ways. Many generations of women have been obedient and followed what their grandmothers/mothers did and remained silent. These women were not even aware that they could be treated any better. They did not know that they could have their own choices, their ambitions could mean anything. They just mastered the skill of remaining silent and gained long-lasting marriages, keeping the families intact. The cost of such silence often meant terminal diseases, unresolved issues, emotional and even physical abuse which eventually became the expected outcome! Slowly and steadily each generation is breaking away from the traditional way of accepting life as-is. Women are becoming aware of their rights, and their choices. The last few generations of women have been financially independent. However, their responsibilities in the household did not decrease. They were expected to start earning, in addition to the traditional duties of raising the kids and running the household, while remaining silent! These so-called modern women rarely had the freedom to spend their money or time at their discretion. They were labeled as selfish, and egoistic because they were allowed to step out and earn money. Times are changing and for good reasons. Yet I see women canceling their plans with their friends for movies/dinners/weekend gateways or trips away from their families. I would not dare to say that this is the case for all women, but can definitely say that is the case for a majority of us. We feel guilty for making time for us. Ask any new mom, if she could keep the baby down for enjoying her coffee daily while it was still warm. We continue sacrificing at such a minuscule level that it becomes part of our life. If we have to travel for work then the families tend to adjust without our presence, but if we take a leisure trip then it is still frowned upon. If there is an exception of a married woman going on trips then her husband gets all the praise for looking after HER kids, while she is prioritizing her time for doing things that she likes to do. So fellow ladies, be selfish. Live a little! No matter how you live your life- staying silent, earning-not earning, staying home, or traveling the world, you are bound to get labeled regardless. So be selfish to embrace your happiness. Sip up that coffee while it is still warm, and remind yourself that you cannot pour from the empty cup! Do not give the key to your happiness to anyone else! Be selfish and be happy today, the next week, next year, and throughout your life. No prince charming is coming for rescue from any of the labels, you will have to free yourselves from self-inflicted realities.

Because I could!

 

After our EBC (Everest Base Camp) trek, one of our friends’ wives organized a big party to celebrate us all and invited a bunch of other friends as well. There, they displayed the pictures taken during the trek. It was a nice party with a lot of food and drinks, and six of us, who went on the trek together were getting all sorts of questions about our recent trek experience. After dinner, the hostess asked us to share our experiences/funny memories.

Everyone started chiming in. One recalled that no matter how many layers we wore at Gorakshep, it was still so cold that we shivered for the longest time. Another friend shared that the food in Nepal had garlic in everything- including tea, pancakes, French toast, and, of course, in daal-bhaat too! Nepalis believe in natural remedies, and using garlic as the natural blood thinner helps with AMS (Acute Mountain Sickness). Food was challenging for us during the trek. Although it was nutritional food, eating the same bland food for each meal got boring after a while.

Some of us had milder AMS symptoms, whereas some of the bigger group had to be evacuated, and some chose to back out voluntarily because they got sick and did not wish to continue. One friend recalled that after the trek was finished, we flew back to Kathmandu and were seated in a van to return to the hotel. And, after using walking as the only way of transportation, sitting in a moving vehicle seemed very strange! We had seen some people in Namche Bazaar who had never been outside that beautiful village at an elevation of 11,286 ft. Namche Bazaar was the first acclimatization point for us where we spent two nights getting used to the increasing elevation. They have never traveled in a plane or any moving vehicle for generations! We could relate to them just after thirteen days in the mountains. Throughout the trek, we stayed in teahouses and did not have to sleep in the tents, which seemed luxurious to some extent. However, running water is not available after Namche Bazaar. So, we could not take showers until we returned to Namche Bazaar. At Gorakshep, almost 250 people stayed in the teahouse with only four restrooms and no running water. The water stored in the big blue containers was super cold. You can only imagine the dire situation of freezing early mornings.

Then, someone asked how you trained for such an arduous trek. And we started recalling all our practice hikes together. Staying in Arizona with scorching summers, we had to get up early to start the hike by 4.30 in the morning. And yet, many times, we had to face dehydration, sunburns, and blisters, to list the least! Although we were laughing remembering those long practice hikes, falling on the cactus/many physiotherapy sessions for recovering quickly from some or the other injuries and so on seemed daunting for others. Finally, one gentleman asked, this sounds so terrible. Why would you put yourself through this? And my friend answered, “Because we could!”

Many times, people question me: why do you like hiking so much? Especially living in Arizona, we are surrounded by barren mountains filled with cacti and desert vegetation. Therefore, there is no reward as a waterfall or shaded trails with soft grounds as you experience in California, Oregon, or the East Coast. Weather is so severe that even in subzero temperatures, one does not need more than one fleece jacket for protection from cold. My husband laughs at the pictures taken on my hikes, and he questions why you bother taking photos on these hikes. Each photo from your phone looks the same, how do you even differentiate? To some extent, he is right. You see cacti, beautiful sunrises with glowing horizons, dark silhouettes of tall mountains, and widely spread fields or just barren land spreading to the horizon. And that always mesmerizes me. I am in awe of such raw beauty and every time I witness it, it makes my heart full of gratitude! I believe this is love, how do you explain love to anyone? Can anyone explain why they love this particular person and not anyone else?

One of my friends is passionate about cooking. She makes everything from scratch. Most of us buy bread/peanut butter/jam from the store for breakfast every day. But she makes each of these at home: bread from the sourdough starter, peanut butter with freshly blended peanuts, and so on. Tonight, we were seated at the campfire, and someone said, I wish we had marshmallows for roasting. And she said, oh, I am making marshmallows tomorrow. All of us were amazed, and genuinely did not know that marshmallows can be made at home! That is the thing about passion- it is a form of love and cannot be reasoned with anyone.

Many of you writing regularly on Medium must be getting questions: how can you express yourself so precisely? I am amazed to see how you captured that in your writing! How did you come up with this story? And so on… Whether hiking, cooking, or writing, passion for something is beyond explanation and can seem crazy to many. People cannot comprehend your happiness or your craziness to some extent when they have not experienced it. Passion makes you lose yourself and fall in love head over heels without reasoning. There is no good reason other than saying, “Because I could!”

Spontaneous vs. Impulsive: Two Sides of the Same Coin

 

Would you be Spontaneous in hugging, holding hands, kissing, or saying “I love you” or shrug off such PDA because you are afraid of being labeled as “Impulsive”?

In the dictionary, Spontaneous is defined as: “coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency; without effort or premeditation; natural and unconstrained; unplanned”, and

Impulsive is defined as: “actuated or swayed by emotional or involuntary impulses”

Although both words indicate “in-the-moment” actions, I think there is a positive connotation to being Spontaneous  and a somewhat convoluted tinge to being Impulsive. If you plan a fun trip or go to a movie without much planning, you will call it a spontaneous action. However, if you are enraged at someone’s hurtful words/actions, you would be acting impulsively. Everything changes how we perceive these actions. Your significant other might love your Spontaneous gesture or frown considering it as Impulsive behavior, based on their state of mind at that time. it changes time-to-time.

Past experiences dictate how we behave in certain ways. When you have kids with a little age gap, often the older one is expected to act mature before they are ready. The older ones are expected to share toys or give a bigger portion of the treat to the younger ones. Your first reaction was to hit your younger sibling rather than to express your need for attention to be treated as a kid! You got labeled as Impulsive. How fair is that?

When you expressed your tender emotions to your first love and they made fun of you/humiliated you in front of others, just because they did not know how to respect love, wouldn’t you be afraid of expressing your love even when the other person is waiting for you to make that first move? If your love was reciprocated, then you were being Spontaneous or otherwise Impulsive.

With such experiences, we learn to sense the situations ahead of time. We tend to protect ourselves by walking away from getting hurt. Even after letting your parents know that you do not enjoy STEM and would rather be an artist/mountaineer/nomad than suffocate on the corporate ladder, you don’t get a choice of choosing your impulse. Our parents hope for a secure future for us. They tend to curb our impulses and push us into the conventional molds that have worked for generations to the best of their knowledge and purest intentions! Does that work for a long time? Is the course correction needed at some point? Absolutely!

We should ponder that Spontaneous or Impulsive are just adjectives, two sides of the same coin. Such labels should not deter us from taking chances, acting on a whim, or feeding our inner child. Next time, when you meet the right person (even) at the wrong time, hug them/kiss them, and express yourself, who knows that life might be introducing you to your soulmate albeit unexpectedly.

Telepathy

 

Have you ever experienced telepathy? Like you were thinking about someone on the other side of the world, and that person, as if reading your mind, pings you out of nowhere? I have experienced it many times. Let me backtrack: Telepathy is the transfer of thoughts from one person to another without using conventional communication channels.

The other day, I was thinking about a friend who lives in India. We have not been in contact for years. I woke up from a vivid dream that he was sick and looked very weak. In my dream, I felt very guilty for not being able to meet him on my last visit to India and felt the fear of not being able to see him ever again. So, the first thing I did after waking up was to call him. He was surprised to receive my call and sounded cheerful. And I was half relieved to hear his usual cheerful voice and half afraid of sharing my dream. After going through the usual- why didn’t you call earlier/how could you return w/o meeting me, etc., he asked me the reason for such a sudden call. Over the years, our friendships have grown from chatting every day to not being in touch for years and then starting over as if not a day has passed in between. That is how childhood friendships are, aren’t they? I told him that he was going to laugh at me and that I worried too much and needed to get checked by a psychiatrist. Yet, I told him about my dream and apologized for not meeting him on my last trip.

With that, he grew silent.  He mentioned that last month, he went through hospitalization to get a stent implanted as one of his arteries was 85% blocked. He was recovering now and thankful that his family doctor could find out and take preventive action before it was too late. Both of us were stunned! He is too young to get through such a scary ordeal. He and his wife are particular about following a healthy diet and regular exercise regimen. Therefore, his situation was shocking to everyone close to him. But there was no way for me to know about this as he had not shared it with either of our common friends. We had not been in touch for close to five years by then, and I had this weird dream out of nowhere! What is this connection? I was not even thinking about him or there was no mention of him in my recent interactions with our common friends either. Yet, the dream, the message was delivered to me. If I had not mentioned the dream, he would not have even mentioned this incident to me, like how he had not mentioned it to anyone else.  This, for me, was telepathy!

Reiki, distance healing, mediation, visualization, manifestation, and energy alignment scenarios have been controversial for years, yet believers feel the so-called “magic” happening for them. Many beliefs claim that conscious intention can affect living systems regardless of distance. I was curious to know if there is any scientific study on telepathy. Then I stumbled upon this NIH study that mentions, “Intercessory prayers, healing energy, and similar other methods have long been a part of medicine. Hence, analyzing the underpinnings of telepathy might potentially help in understanding the “distant-healing” phenomena also.” They tried to reveal the neural basis of telepathy by examining an individual claiming the telepathic phenomena. They studied two individuals, one transferring the pattern/message to the receiver, and studied their brain activities. The person claiming to have abilities to perform various paranormal tasks such as telekinesis, mind reading, and telepathy was given the task of drawing images, and the receiver was seated in a different room. When they compared the results of the images being transferred through telepathy and drawn by the subject, there was a significant match. They studied the MRI scans and established particular brain regions for activations. This has intrigued the scientists for further research.

Have you ever experienced any such telepathic phenomena? Share with me in the comments.

SOURCE: Investigating paranormal phenomena: Functional brain imaging of telepathy - PMC

 

 

  

The Idea of You

    

    Last night, I watched “The Idea of You” movie, and it was difficult to process the movie's plot. For whoever has not seen this movie- the plot is about a young super handsome, kind-hearted, most famous singer of a popular band (can it get any more cliche?) who falls in love with a 40-some divorced mom of a teenage daughter! I agree that it seems as impossible as it sounds! But then you have to consider it was Anne Hathaway! Of course, anyone would fall for her!! The movie shows some realistic parts, as well as some of the expected exaggerated-near impossible parts happening in real life, but at the same time, satisfies the fantasy of romanticism. One can relate to her denying that someone can get attracted to her at that stage. When she is not feeling attractive or has nothing to offer but has baggage of hurt from the failed marriage, responsibilities, and uncertainties. Even after fighting her insecurities, how she must face all the public shame, risking her family through the attention of the paparazzi, and going back and forth of putting herself first as a woman and a mom, the struggle seems real. I don’t want to spoil the movie if you have not watched it and are planning to watch it, but the more realistic part of me could not fathom the happy ending.

If you were going through a broken marriage (either officially on paper or, as statistics say, separated under the same roof), someone showing you a glimpse of different aspects of life can be very alluring. When you don’t feel beautiful, when you accept that it will be all downhill hereon, someone genuinely paying attention to your likes/dislikes seems impossible. When you completely forget that your pictures should be captured, someone clicking your candid pictures feels quite overwhelming. When you have stopped nagging for the company and learned to explore on your own, convinced that you are not worth spending time with, your preference for random walks without a destination is a foolish way of spending a perfect afternoon where you should choose to stay inside and rest. Someone willingly accompanies you and comes along everywhere w/o questioning or showing resistance to why you are taking a stop here, how long you are going to stare at the mountains that are so monotonous(!) after a while, and just silently stays beside you, even meditates with you sharing the calm that was never felt before. When everyone around you has a different choice, and you keep choosing to go with the majority without voicing your preference, someone remembering your preference leads everyone to your choice.  How do you process that?  Is that even possible in reality? Should you admit to yourself that you were craving such attention or deny the existence of that tender feeling that was buried/forgotten for years? “The Idea of You” paints these possibilities and struggles of a woman going through a similar dilemma and living in the most romantic world that can only be imagined in the fictional realm.

Most women tend to shrug off, denying that they deserve, crave, and like feeling wanted. Special attention after a certain age and certain social identities of being a parent or spouse seems unacceptable (mostly) for women.  However, is there an age when one should stop feeling love? Why does every bond need to be defined? One can learn to cherish the love when it is presented through simple gestures. When the vibrational frequencies of two individuals align, they often experience a sense of attachment as they share a similar perspective on the universe. When you think about the concept of energy, everything is interconnected. The universe is filled with vibrations, and when you find a match, you feel a sense of belonging, which brings happiness. This is a spiritual experience that can lead to enlightenment. Won’t you like to cherish such sweet feelings to remember that it happened, you loved it, and admit the presence of that special bond rather than labeling it? It reminds me of Dr. Seuss's quote, “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened”.  Could it be that simple in reality than the climax of “The Idea of You”?

Most of us are careful not to use the most coveted four-lettered word, but we often choose “like” to express our feelings. I believe love is the most powerful force in nature. Einstein explained that we tend to ignore the existence of love because it is the only energy in the universe that humankind has not learned to drive at will. In the letter to his stepdaughter, he wrote,

“Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it.

Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others.

Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals.

For love we live and die.”

When you love someone, you can forgive them. You learn to open your heart to receive and to let go. With love, we can attract abundance, as love knows no bounds. Love cannot be explained by logical reasoning; it is simply a feeling. Love cannot be restricted by age, gender, race, nationality, proximity, or any parameters. Love can heal almost anything with a simple expression of a lasting hug, delicately holding hands, or a peck on the cheek. Different times, different relations, and different moods summon different love languages. It is the most fulfilling experience to express love in words, actions, and even copulation. When yin and yang come together, it brings harmony to nature.  These two seemingly opposing forces complement each other, putting puzzle pieces together and completing a beautiful reunion. It can be a form of meditation that leads to enlightenment. It can bring us together, and form unity in diversity.  Imagine a world without judgment and labels but where everyone honors and embraces the presence of love; wouldn’t that be a wonderful synergy of peace?

Maybe the end of the movie -“The Idea of You” can be interpreted differently than my perception. Can it be that simple to embrace love and not just a fictional romance that seems unrealistic?

Idam-N-Mama (इदं न मम्!)

    After a year, I find myself wondering again about this Sanskrit saying- “इदं न मम्!” This is not mine; these life events do not define me. This principle teaches detachment. Recently I was part of a social gathering where inevitably friends started debating about religion/the presence of God and science. Being surrounded by highly intellectual individuals I often decide to take a backseat. I shy away from conflicts and don’t want to participate in arguments. Once I read that “you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. People who love you, who understand you will not need an explanation, and people who have made an opinion about you cannot be convinced by any explanation!” And this quote stuck the cord with me, silence is the best answer. No explanation is ever needed! So, coming back to that debate, it was interesting to hear different perspectives. One side argued that if they have put in the work, then why should they owe their success to God/Universe/presence of the unknown? I do acknowledge the achievements of my loved ones/friends and in many cases witnessed their hard work to accomplish these goals. However, with such an argument, my mind starts labeling it as the presence of ego. Ego is a funny thing, although tainted in a negative connotation, I believe ego is essential to not settle for less. The ego pushes one to challenge the perceived limits and motivates one to pursue impossible goals. However, one should balance the slippery slope of not letting the ego take over their mind. On the same note, when one grows the awareness of “इदं न मम्!”, they can surrender their triumphs to the invisible force that made it happen. The surrendering attitude brings out the humbleness. Acknowledging that so many things could have gone wrong, so many possibilities existed of undesired outcomes, yet the Universe conspired to make things line up in a certain way- that led to that triumph, that victory, that success story! We can put in all the efforts in the world, and have the right intentions, but only a few get to taste the success. Why does that happen?

Similarly, there comes a period when everything starts going wrong. No matter how good your intentions were, everyone misunderstood you. Or, after following a healthy lifestyle throughout life, exercising regularly, and never trying any questionable substance, when one gets diagnosed with a terminal disease at a young age, loved ones would question the presence of God for sure! Try to remember all the failures, how those made you feel, and how others’ perceptions changed. Even though you were the same person, putting all the efforts with the right intentions, outcomes were not in your favor then. In such dire situations, one tries to find someone/something to blame! Often it is fate, bad luck, or God! What changed? In the case of success, most people want to acknowledge their efforts but in dire situations, they can easily blame it on bad luck or circumstances.

Does the success, your relations-profession-failures-triumphs define you? Should you be limited by such labels? You are not this or that, you and me are the same- part of the One! “इदं न मम्!” gives that humbling reminder that this is not mine, this doesn't belong to me. It allows me to surrender and feel deep gratitude for everything and everyone that comes along my way. People who wronged me, made me realize my unknown strengths, and who loved me kept encouraging me regardless of all my shortcomings.

Would you like to practice detachment by saying- “इदं न मम्!”?

______________________________________________________________________________

November 2, 2023  · 

Shared with Friends; Except: Vijay Peddi

इदं न मम्!

योग शिकवताना, शिकताना बऱ्याच छोट्या छोट्या श्लोकांचा, योगसूत्रांचा, गीतेच्या अध्यायांचा उल्लेख होतो. त्यातलंच हे एक वचन, कधी ऐकलं, कुठे ऐकलं, ते काही आठवत नाही. पण हल्ली हे वचन सतत डोक्यात घोळतंय. इदं न मम्~ हे माझं नाहीये. हे सत्य माझं नाहीये, हे जे घडतंय ते माझ्यामुळे नाही, कर्ता करविता कोणी दुसराच आहे. किती सोप्या शब्दात स्वतःचा अहंकार सोडून द्यावा, हे समजावलं आहे. त्याच बरोबर जेव्हा आपल्या बाबतीत कधी कधी सगळं बिघडतच जातं, कितीही चांगला उद्देश असला, तरी मेहनत कमी पडते किंवा नशिबाचे फासे उलटे पडतात. तेव्हाही इदं न मम् म्हणून आशा जागृत करायची. हे माझं नाहीये, जे काही होतंय ते माझ्यासाठी नाहीये, ते मी अर्पित करते. आणि नव्याने परिस्थितीला समोर जाण्यासाठी बळ देते, हे वचन!

समर्पण,अहंकाराचा (इगोचा) त्याग केला की जाणीव होते की ज्याला आपण यश म्हणतो, मेहनतीचं फळ म्हणतो, ते सगळं किंबहुना आपल्याहूनही जास्त करणारे बरेच जण असतात. पण शिखरावर पोहोचूनही इदं न मम् म्हणणं, ते जाणवणं किती जणांना जमतं? तथाकथित यशाच्या मागे काय रहस्य आहे? सगळ्यांनी मेहनत करूनही, संधी कोणा एकालाच का मिळते? जगात इतके उत्तम गाणारे, नाचणारे, अभिनय करणारे हौशी कलाकार असतानाही एखादाच अमिताभ बच्चन, एखादीच लता, एकाच सचिन का जगप्रसिद्ध मिळवतो? त्याचा अर्थ बाकीच्यांची मेहनत, नशीब कमी पडतं का? शिखरावर पोहोचण्या आधी त्यांनीही अपयश पचवले असेलच की. पण त्या अपयशानी खचून न जाता त्यांनीही इदं न मम् अंगीकृत केलं असावं बहुदा!

एखादयाकडे बघून सगळ्यांचाच जीव हळहळतो. का माहित नाही सगळंच लौकीकार्थानी वाईट घडत जातं. हाती आलेला पैसा टिकत नाही, जीवावरच दुखणंच येतं, नात्यांमध्ये गैरसमज होऊन जवळची माणसं दुरावतात. हे असं घडत असतानाही ह्या माणसांच्या चेहऱयावरचं हसू टिकून असतं! सुखी माणसाचा सदरा मिळाला असतो का त्यांना? कुठून येते जगाशी सामना करण्याची जिगीषा?

ह्या सगळ्याला एकच उत्तर- इदं न मम्! ज्याला हा मंत्र गवसला, आत्मसात झाला त्याला बोधिवृक्ष शोधण्याची गरजच नसावी.

I XXXX YOU

    Can you guess what that four-lettered most coveted word is? With Valentine's lurking around the corner, one would say LOVE! Nope, that is not it. We typically fear uttering that word in anticipation of rejection. Well, that is not our fault, but we grew up with the saying, “A parent’s job is to make their kids independent!” So everyone was expected to raise the kids with a sense of independence. If you are dependent on someone that is considered as weakness. Even with loved ones, within the family, to your spouses, to your best friends, we are afraid of using the word “NEED”. When someone says I NEED you to do this for me, that comes out as clinginess. People believe in, “If you love someone, set them free…” So we don’t admit that we NEED someone.

    Recently one of my friends had to go through a life-altering event, yet they were not ready to accept help from their loved ones. They chose to manage everything on their own. Kept the fridge stocked with precooked meals, chose to take Uber for doctor appointments, requested service for home cleaning, used home deliveries for groceries, and such! In short, all the facilities that all of us got used to during the pandemic, had made us even more independent. Is that a good thing? We tend to take pride in our independence, and how we can manage everything on our own without BOTHERING others!

    I have seen grown-up kids- AKA adults, who don’t like to admit that they NEED their parents. Neither for emotional support nor for physical help. They avoid asking parents to fund the education/wedding/big expenses, come and stay with them for help raising newborns, or any kind of help. Most of the time expectation is that the parents should gauge kids’ needs and offer help in ways that they can help. When we flip the tables, senior citizens as well tend to avoid asking for help from the grown-up kids. Everyone is trying to avoid using the word, NEED.

    What if we develop relationships where we need each other and can start relying on each other? How wonderful it would be if we could start having an open dialog to state our needs. No one would need to lie in the work environment to leave early for kids' pickup or, to attend a happy hour with friends or simply to have a mental break occasionally.  In most cases, if there is open communication things get simpler. Often the loved ones want to be there for each other. But to maintain each other’s privacy, we maintain the distance. It is even labeled as a politeness to give SPACE!

    This Valentine’s would you dare to use that most coveted four-lettered word, which makes you vulnerable? Try it, say I need you and I wish everyone who dares to utter it, receives the response they wished for…

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! May all your needs be fulfilled and you never have to be scared of asking. Ask and Receive!!